MPN

What would you like to accomplish this week?

Clean up and get ready for holiday away from home for a month starting June 26.

The next few days, I can see, are going to be busy both at work and home. I need to clean up my "things to do" in the office before then... work that could not wait till I am back (what's new?)  Ouch, I have been bombarded by a few additional load from fellow employees who had moved to our new offices in Jeddah as they could not do such from a distance! They are not that remote!!  Apparently, their connection to the net is yet to be desired.  Since I am the only one left behind (by choice) in the original location, I am the only one who can do those.  I feel kind of pressured.  At home, I needed to do the packing for the whole family plus cleaning up the house (why this?) -- all before June 26, which is practically a week.  Oh, I also have to attend meetings in my son's school two days this week and I have a doctor's appointment as well.  Sounds easy, sounds simple, I agree, but it looks like I need another week!  Ironically, I am not in the mood for anything, my body and whole spirit is already vacationing, my system had already slowed down.  And why not?  The last time we were on a vacation like this was December 2005.  I can no longer contain my excitement to see my parents, brothers and sister, I am practically a wreck!

I will, hopefully, be able to handle this and handle this well.  I am telling myself I can. I don't have a choice, but take it lightly. I will, I will.

How much is two dollars, really?  Maybe the cost of one’s character.

My husband counted 98 Saudi riyals last night.  He said to himself that he is two riyals away from a hundred.  He folded 90 riyals, let 8 riyals loose, and left them all on top of his bedroom drawer.

Early this afternoon, he asked me if I took the 8 riyals (that’s equivalent to a few cents more than $2), and I said “no.”  The folded ninety riyals were there, but the loose 8 riyal bills were gone.  Both of us perplexed, we called the kids (age14, 6 and 5) into the room.  No one among them took any of the bills.  Hubby and I looked at each other.  What now?

I squeezed the boys.  I told them I needed their honesty and that is all.  Individually and defensively, they said they’ve been honest.  I squeezed them more, and I saw the looks in the two bigger boys’ eyes as if asking “don’t you trust me?”

Hubby and I didn’t know what to do.  Till we let them go.  We felt the best thing to do, and perhaps the only option we had, was to believe them.

As the boys left our bedroom, hubby and I concluded and agreed that it was a no-win situation.  If none of them took the money, the short incident of squeezing them to “tell the truth” showed how distrusting parents we can be; if one of them took the money and he is now (apparently) off the hook, he could be thinking “I can hit bigger next time.”

Raising kids is a sensitive thing.  It is just a sensitive thing.

I finished high school as a regular teenager – nothing spectacular as I had no honors, no medals.  No, nothing, except the respect of my contemporaries and the confidence of my teachers that I will have a promising future.  I was looking forward to meeting my dreams, I was full of hope.  My dreams were simple though.  But at that stage, they were big as most dreams are:  I wanted to become an accountant.  Someone told me that dreams are achieved one step at a time; I made sure I remember that.  Honestly, I was not sure I like that course.  My mother said it is a good one and a friend told me that it suits me.

First hindrance to my dream:  my high school average wasn’t good enough for the state university known to produce the best accountants in the country.  I was walking out of the Accountancy orientation room with a broken heart; “I wasn’t going to get my dream.”  But with determination still intact, I said there must be another way.  I found myself in another orientation room:  Bachelor in Office Administration.  I remember the faces of mostly girls and their smiles.  “This, “I thought, “is just what I need.”

“You are wise if you take this course; you will be able to get a job after two years and have the liberty to choose another course after that – be it in business administration, the arts, engineering;  whatever you have in mind now, or whatever you would want later on. Or better yet, continue with this course for another two years and attain a degree in Bachelor in Office Administration.”  Just like any advertising promo, the catch was perfect, the options good.   I forgot why the enrollees were smiling; I was happy myself.

Early on, I felt that the secretarial field was not my interest.  I told myself that I will take their suggestions:  finish the two-year basic course, find a job and shift to a new course.  Besides, I needed to work as my parents were not moneyed enough to send me to college!

If small successes were dreams realized, I had achieved enough for I found a job right after the two-year associate degree.  I also became financially self-sufficient even before I was 20 years old.  You should see how happy and proud my parents were!  Inside me, I knew I was on my way just yet. 

I treasured the job for I owe a lot to it.  It was my stepping stone to other goals; it fed me, clothed me and financed my sister to college.   I also had prestige, the admiration of my peers, and the pride of my parents.  It was a respectable, beautiful job, it deserved to be given my best and that’s what I did.  After that one year of full-time work, I enrolled in night-school and took Industrial Psychology.  What happened to accountancy?  It is not my “true love” after all and was I quick to admit that to myself.

Working and studying at the same time was a feat.  I was tempted to give it up a million times.  It felt I needed more than 24 hours a day, every day!  And I needed sleep for I got only 3-4 hours every night.  I had to give up a number of other things as well, mostly social.  My friends were not happy that I could not join them on night outs, weekend bowling, and out-of-town plans.  Locking my vision on my goal, I was able to hang on.  Positive self-motivation was an armor nothing could equal, I can tell you that.

And I got there!  I graduated; I got my BA after five years.  Five?!!  Yes, I couldn't finish in two years because of work and scheduling.  It was tough, but do-able, and I got there!

When goals are achieved and dreams just an arm’s length away, reality just bites!  Tough choices came into the picture.  Getting a job related to my chosen course proved to be harder than I thought.  I had been a secretary long enough, my price as one was not easy to give up.  I’d be paid more as a secretary anywhere, but I had to start over as a human resources person.  I had yet to prove myself in the field.  I could not give up the money, because I was still sending my sister to college and I was helping out in the household.  Slowly, I was introduced to sadness.  Whenever I was asked about my degree and my work, I was almost always defensive.  So, I created my world:  I would not be locked in my stepping stone; I had my eyes on something and I was going to get there… again… just like finishing college against the odds.  So one fine day, I gave up the status quo.  I accepted a lower-paying job as an HR assistant and left my post as secretary to the Chairman of the Board and CEO!  I told myself “I’d work my way up again, from here, right NOW!”  And I added, “I will not be a secretary again.”   I signed an employment contract with eyes closed because I did not like to see my new salary.  What I was seeing was my (new) goals.

Two years after, I was already getting the same amount of money as the one I left from my previous job.  I felt accomplished.  But tough choices continue to come in with different reasons and/or situations taking a big role in my decisions.  Choice number 1:  I was tempted by an overseas job as a secretary with a salary three times bigger.  I took that, and I said to myself “two years overseas, and I will be back here.”  Choice number 2:  Five years later, still in that overseas job, I got married and had a child. 

I returned to the Philippines for a brief (but big) respite.  While there, I had the chance to return to my field in Human Resources.  I started out as a supervisor and I got the managerial post in less than two years.  They were the happiest moments of my career in Human Resources, although it felt like a cheat, because I knew that what I wanted so much was to return to Saudi Arabia to be with my husband and son to build a family together.  True enough -- situation/choice no. 3:  I had to leave that job (again).  That was too tough a choice for me.  But in life, the stronger one becomes, the tougher the choices he/she faces.  I told myself that it’s a matter of priority.  Priorities (you will come to experience this) are sometimes two-faced:  what is important now and what is important tomorrow (that you may need to decide on now) are two struggling forces needing immediate attention.   In small and big instances like these, I remind myself “First Things First.”  I dropped my HR post and returned to Saudi Arabia, and stayed home with my son for the next eight years bearing two more children in the process.  In between, I was doing hospital volunteering work.  Why? That’s another post, but basically because I wanted to work, albeit without pay.

Where am I now?  I am an executive secretary in a multi-billion dollar world-class company.  The prestige, the pride, oh yes, there’s money in there, of course, but I am a secretary all the same.  As it is a big company, I seem to be “just one of those,” – you know what I mean?  Sometimes, it feels like “I don’t make a difference.”  But that’s for me to decide.  Am I complaining?  Not at all.  Am I happy?  Yes, I am!   Have you come across the line, “being happy is not getting what you want, but wanting what you’ve got.”  It is true, but for that to be really true, one has to tell himself/herself that, believe that completely and apply that to life. 

All in all, I am a happy person, satisfied, maybe more.  I am more than satisfied; give me a term, because I can’t find any.  However, as far as career is concerned, my hunger to be in my chosen field is still there.  I am happy enough that I had been satiated more than once and that it was a thousand fold the last time.  Let me describe how it feels:

I married a suitor (the secretarial field) who had stood by me through the rough times and the bad.  It was very convenient and safe to give my whole life to him.  He was not the man in my dreams, I knew that since the beginning, but he was good enough and he was the best in town.  And we were happy together -- that one mattered a lot.  Through the years, we proved worthy of each other.  But my heart longed for someone else – my Mr. Perfect (psychology/HR field).   I did find Mr. Perfect while happily married, danced with him a few times, had a series of short affairs with him, and had to leave twice!  My husband remained faithful to me, and he accepted me every time I returned.  

Now, I keep Mr. Perfect in my heart, while he maintains me at a distance, calling me in his arms.  But neither of us is brave enough to defy expectations; none of us ever had the courage to declare that we can make a relationship work; we only believe we can, but never had enough time to prove that to ourselves and to all.  Our short trysts, despite being good and worthy, were not enough to beat my many good years with Mr. Husband.   Not even Mr. Perfect’s family and mine would want to support our love no matter how great it was.  They said that great love, sometimes, is not enough to conquer everything.  The diligent suitor/husband continues to be the respectable figure that he is, and for that, no one would want to hurt him including me, and he simply deserves to be loved in return.

So, as the song goes, “oh it’s sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along.”  Often I wish I could turn back the time.  My wish is to be where I feel I belong.  That may not be as perfect as where I seem to be now.  Unrequited love, is it called? 

I can see that I have gotten to a point where loosing weight is a challenge.  Well, I have to admit that I am not on the heavy side really.  But come on, I am 20 lbs heavier than my ideal weight.  Forget the weight; I am 3 dress sizes bigger.  One thing that’s good, however:  I am a happy person.  I believe it’s what matters most.

There is this workmate of mine.  He is slim like a stick despite what seems like his love affair with sweets.  And he is not too young -- I mean, we know that metabolism of the young is at its fastest.  Anyway, he previously admitted that he used to be on the heavy side, and that he trimmed down by starving himself.  He told me how he ate (he exercised as well) to get to that shape, and I said “Yuuuck, starving myself?  And purposely at that?  No way!”

Yesterday at work, he finished some sweets and cookies I estimated to be around 1,200 calories in one sitting.  I was wondering how much he totals if he were to add the rest of what he was to take the rest of the day.  So, I asked “how do you keep yourself so slim when you eat like there is no tomorrow?”  His response was this:  “you don’t know how I live life; I sleep a maximum of four hours a day, I smoke like a chimney, I live on coffee  weets maybe this much but they’re not often, coz it is practically coffee all day.”  For a few seconds, I was staring at him.  In my thoughts I was seeing myself somehow… years ago.

The size I just called “ideal” was some months after I gave birth to my first son.   In between, I was suffering from post-partum blues (or so I see, every time I recall now).  Having to care for my first child, my sleep was a total of 2-4 hours a night and some forced naps of 15 minutes, perhaps every other day.  And yes, I smoked like a chimney and lived on coffee!  As I looked back I am as sure as anything that I do not like to go through that ever.  The lowest point in my life, I considered it, I appreciate that I am not at that stage for long.  I had learned from the experience, yes they were painful, but thanks God, I need not be in the pit for long.  One desirable thing back then was the ideal size – and it is not worth it, I can tell you that.

Back to my workmate, I wanted to ask him if he is happy, but I bit my lip.  Maybe he is not, maybe he is, but having heard why he does not need to struggle (anymore) to look ideally slim, I decided, I’d rather be a happy person.

Besides, I haven’t tried well enough lately, let me now I admit it.  I haven’t exercised for months, I haven’t practiced good eating habits as I tend to ignore hunger calls during busy work hours and then attack food at the end of the day.  Whatever other goofy things I do is another post, but right now, it is enough that I am reminded, again, that in life, we gain some, we loose some.  We just can’t have it all -- at one time!

What do you do when you get a crush on someone?
Submitted by Desi.

I daydream a lot, and I enjoy that. Having a crush?  Wow, that means a daydreaming feast.  Having a crush is having a big reason to daydream.  I daydream that I am with him, and he is with me -- always!

I imagine that as I wake up in the morning, he would be there to exchange “good morning” greetings with me.  That gives me an instant smile.  The same thing before going to bed – we exchange “goodnight”.  Between the “goodnight” and the “good morning,” the following day, you would ask; well leave them for me and my imagination; I have the right to be a private person, haven’t I?   I sleep, of course!   

Daydream continued:  I imagine that he tells me how good I look in the outfit I am wearing.  I imagine that he can’t but give me a hug for that then he’d find out that he also likes the smell of my perfume.  And I’d be pleased.  I imagine that he is with me when I go to work and when I get home.  Between getting to and leaving work, you may ask; well I have a boss who could fire me if I continue to daydream.  So there, my crush is gone!  He is free for the full eight hours that I am paid to do something else than think of him! 

I daydream a lot about my crush, but I know when to stop.  Enough that he gives me inspiration that I can feel good in everything I do because I always think that he is watching me and I want to please him. That is a nice feeling. 

Crushes, I had a number of those from when I was young till after I am married.  But that’s all they do for me and my days: inspire me.  I become the best that I can be for the day, and day after day, because of my crush.  Really, that is all, because, believe it or not, crushes for me are a passing fancy.  Then I become the devil that I am again, ha-ha!   I never actually had a crush that lasted more than two months.  The feeling fades away.  Then I might (and might not) have a crush again.  I don’t look for them, but when the feeling comes, I entertain it and the incentive to daydream.

There are only two men who were my crush for more than two months:  the first one is the man I am married to for 16 years now.   Corny, you would say, but he is still my crush!  And the other one, his perennial competition: Tom Hanks.  You know who wins?  I guess it is obvious.

I hate it when people make me wait, and I hate it more when they do not have an idea at all that they are wasting my time!  Clueless, you may say.

See, I can’t function well when I know someone is waiting for me.  I much prefer doing whatever I need to do on my own, rather than have someone watching over my shoulder.  It is not the “watching over my shoulder” that bothers me, it is the thought that there is something better the other person can do with his/her time.  I would much prefer that that someone (supposedly a “he”) starts kissing my nape and we do something else -- at least together, both having fun, no one’s time wasted! 

What’s worse is if that someone is not behind me, but is rather in front of me while I work on something and he/she starts telling me stories unrelated to what I am actually doing (for him/her to begin with).  

If someone decides to wait for me, I tend to work faster.  Even when my husband says “take your time” while I put on my mascara and he is already set to go, I’d rush.  I am even willing to continue doing my face/make-up in the car.  I have actually mastered doing that while the car is moving; I need not wait for traffic.  It is now a talent, out of the mere thoughtfulness that I have no right whatsoever to make even the most dutiful husband to wait for me.  In the same essence, when I needed to wait, I somehow expect to see the other person working harder.  I believe it is fair.  In the same way that I hate it when people make me wait, I am not comfortable making people wait.  It is a clear indication that I prefer to be treated the same way I treat others.

I just strongly feel that no one has the right to make another person wait.  That person is practically taking my time – and that time is mine!  If time is indeed gold, every minute you spend waiting for someone is equivalent to that someone stealing an ounce of your gold.  And what’s more painful is that whatever he steals from you , he/she can’t keep anyway… it is simply gone!  So what’s the point?

My last entry on my blog was exactly a month and a day ago!  That’s  more or less 120 days!  Do you believe that?  I don’t, but records, they say, do not lie.  So, there.

I am working again, I started in November last year.  Early on, I realized that I could not keep up wit blogging and visiting friend’s blogs.  Not being too hard on myself, I said that after a few months I would be fine.  After the probationary period, perhaps?  Huh, I am on probationary period – again, and that will be until next month!  Lest I give an impression that I was too bad, my proby period was extended, let me be defensive now:  I resigned from that company four months after, joined another, started over – so, probationary period will be until the second week of June 2008.  Why?  It’s a long story, it should be a post by itself.  One thing, I had not moved office, not changed boss (well, actually I have a new boss).  It’s just a change in payroll.  So practically, I’ve been here, in this job, this office, since November last year.  

Anyway, I know I have missed a lot.  But the good news is: I am back.  I am afraid to promise you that I’d be around regularly, but I will try.  Does that sound like a promise?  Hmmm, can’t avoid it hah?

What are the changes since then?  A lot.  The most obvious, I believe, at least as far as I am concerned, is that I am finding less time for and with the kids, for myself and for my husband.  Does that bother me?  In a way, yes, but they are all understanding people, they don’t make me feel less of a good mom that I am (wow!!) just because I am out daily for more then eight hours a day.  But, really, I could feel the difference:  I don’t see the kids when they come home from school.  I am not there to open the door for them and greet them, kiss them, help them change into house clothes and join them for lunch.  But they are all there for us when we come home – running to hug me and hubby.  Isn’t that a treat?

I had gained a lot of new friends – you know what that means.  One big treat!  Exchange of ideas, and yes, recipes!  Ha-ha.  What happens to quilting?  Let’s not talk about that one now; it is something I can’t really be proud of.  My quilting friends would not want to hear what I’d say, so I shut up in that area.

Despite that, there is a lot more to say.  I’ll share them in time.  Meanwhile, I am glad that I am back.

My posts are very few and far between... am not happy with that, but okay, that's fine.  I have not visited my neighbors' blogs lately.  That one does not make me feel good, AT ALL.  That enjoyable exercise that I cannot do as regularly as I used to is like a candy taken away from the child in me.   Heard about the phrase "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak?"  It is more like that.  I can't just find the time, and if I have some time, I do not have the strength.  Gosh, I speak like I am a dying centenarian!  What I find is myself lying on bed at night, thinking that I could connect to the net, go to Vox and read on; but I have to sleep and wake up early to go to work.  Hmp!

Well, I saw a little bit of time in the office to visit my neighbors' blogs this week.  And I did.  With elation, I did!  Oh-oh.. oh-oh... I can't see photos... waiting, waiting, waiting.  No, I just can't see the photos!  Very frustrating, very, very frustrating.

If I were to do this during free time in the office, I could not see the photos!  If I were to do this at home after work, I just could not find the time... groceries, dinner, kids, some rituals like removing your make-up, etc... before I knew it, the day is over!

I miss you all, I really do.  I will be with you... I will be connecting with my neighbors more often, soon.  A promise I have been making to myself, and I am waiting.  Waiting...

Sometimes I don’t like it when my hubby goes out of the Kingdom (the term we use here to mean “go out of the country”) on business.  Of course, it means the kids and I can’t tag along as it is not ideal – kids are going to school and while the hubby attends business meetings, that means we are without him; it's just not complete.

Last month, he went to London for a few days.  That’s fine, as it wasn’t too long and I have two quilts to finish – you know what I mean.  I got the following as gifts when he came back:

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A set of Cross pen/fountain pen

He bought this from The Pen Shop at London Heathrow Airport, Terminal 4.  Marina and Felt would know how happy I am!

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10 books by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. 

Cire knows that I had been waiting to get hold of “100 Years of Solitude”.  She’d be proud of me; we’ll she’d be proud of my hubby whom she knows very well.  The rest of the books are: “Collected Stories,” “The Story of a Shipwrecked Tailor,” “Living to Tell the Tale,” “Of Love and Other Demons,” “The Autumn of the Patriarch,” “Innocent Erendira,” “An Evil Hour,” and “Memories of My Melancholy Whores”.

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Two books by Khaled Husseini: “A Thousand Splendid Suns” and “The Kite Runner”, plus Oprah-recommended “The Pillars of the Earth” by Ken Follett.

He got these three books on sale:  3 for the price of 2.

Except for the pens which I can start abusing, I mean, using… I honestly do not know where to find the time to start reading… but I am the happiest having gotten all of these from my frequently traveling hubby.  I did thank him, but I couldn’t really thank him enough.  He is one hell of a man who knows what I (a woman?) want and does his best to make me (his woman) happy!  He once said “it’s my obligation to make my wife happy.”  I surely don’t feel it to be the case – he does not do it out of obligation.  I know better!  He is just too humble to admit that he is extremely thoughtful.

Blue Quilt

Well, yes, I am in the blues, somehow.  A few weeks before the December, I was already homesick to be with my parents, brothers and sisters in the Philippines.  My husband, the kids and I had planned a short vacation for this month to be with my parents for Christmas, but decided against it later on for a longer stay in the summer of 2008.  So, I am missing another Christmas with my family.  But that is not why my quilts are in the blues...

The buyer of my only quilt on sale during our local quilt show last month said that he wanted two more -- both blue -- for his two sons.  The blue quilt above is the first.  I have been unsuccessful in uploading the photo of the second "blue quilt," I'll try again later.

Gee, later means when?  Can't believe it's been almost a month since I last posted something.  I am missing myself, too!  Ha-ha.   Where have I been?